This began as an email and then it became this...

Grandma!

I love you, and I hope you’re feeling better!

I’m praying for you every day, and I’m thanking God that He has given us more time with you.  I want to tell you about something beautiful that happened because of you.  When you got sick, I was very upset to the point that I was having trouble completing my work and interacting with other people here at Amigos.  I remembered that one of our teenagers, Francisco, had told me that he was interested in the rosary so I asked him to pray with me for you.  He readily agreed and we decided to pray up at the cross on the hill near the grave of Oscarito. Francisco brought another teenager with him, and on the way up to the cross we were joined by two younger boys. That night we prayed the rosary for you, but it didn’t end there.

Francisco was especially interested in learning more about the rosary so he asked me to teach him what I know about the rosary. Since that day about two weeks ago, Francisco of his own accord has been leading the rosary every night after dinner. He has been joined by another teenager, and the two of them have added to the rosary by selecting Bible passages and discovering additional prayers like the Memorare and the St. Michael prayer. I’ve been able to participate most nights. Sometimes the rosary group has 5 people, and sometimes it has 15.  Kids, teenagers, Honduran workers, and gringo volunteers participate.

Francisco and the other teenager end the rosary with spontaneous prayer, and it’s very humbling.  They thank God for the sun and nature, the beds they sleep in, the food on the tables, a pair of shoes, the clothes on their back, the family of Amigos, and the opportunity to study.  They ask God for the rain as there continues to be a drought and water problems throughout the country of Honduras. And they continue to pray for you.

Watching these events unfold and the kids’ voluntary participation in prayer, I feel the overwhelming presence of God and His love, and it makes me question: what did I do to deserve to experience this love?  I first learned of love from you, my parents, my family, and now I experience this love that surpasses barriers of physical distance, culture, language, and human weakness.  I have done absolutely nothing to deserve to be a part of it, but God is love. God loves. He loves without limits, and we experience His love with and through other people.  

Francisco has had some difficult times since I’ve known him, and our friendship has not always been easy for me. It’s ironic or rather perfect that God should choose him to grow my faith and love this summer.

Grandma, thank you for being one of my first teachers of God and love. Thank you helping me to develop my ability to give and receive love, to experience God.  

In the five days that I have remaining here, we will continue praying the rosary for you. And after I leave here, I have peace in knowing that the prayers of my loved ones in Honduras and those of myself are heard by the same God and Source of Love. This reality will connect us in a way I cannot put into words just as it connects you and me now while I am far away from you.

Some volunteers find “special friends” immediately or soon after upon arriving at Amigos.  I didn’t.  I loved all of the kids, but I didn’t feel a particularly special bond with any of the little guys until about halfway through my time at Amigos.  

There is a little boy here who I’ll call Joshua.  As of this past Easter when he was baptized, Joshua is my Godson, and I really believe he’ll have a special place in my heart forever.  He should because he pushed and fought into that place in my heart.  

There actually was a point in my relationship with Joshua when the only thing that kept me going was a spiritual talk by our priest.  Fr. Den stated that when we meet God one day, He’ll probably look like one of the kids who gave us the most trouble.  I had to imagine meeting God/Joshua one day to make it through some tough times with him.

Joshua came to Amigos last November.  I ended up teaching him kindergarten for about a month when he was in a transitional classroom.  He behaved pretty terribly and constantly beat up on his younger brother during the school day.  We didn’t bond that much during this teacher/student relationship.

At some point around February, Joshua really started seeking me out.  He greeted me with hugs and big smiles, and we became friends.  I was so excited when he asked me to be his Godmother in April, but our relationship became rocky soon after his Baptism.  He demanded that I play with him and became jealous whenever anyone else entered our games.  Joshua invited me to play soccer, and then would make fun of my skills (granted he had a valid point, but still…)  I heard from other people that he was acting like a terror in his dormitory and the school, and I witnessed it myself on occasions.  

When I reproached Joshua, he would stalk off angrily and give me the cold shoulder for 2-5 days.  During the cold shoulder period, he would ignore me or say things like, “Ugly gringa- you’re not my Godmother anymore, I hope you leave soon, etc.”  After several days, he would come to me with a drawing, a hug, and a “Perdon, Emma, let’s be friends again” routine.  This vicious cycle repeated itself over and over again.  The day of his kindergarten graduation Joshua asked me to be his escort, got angry and ordered me away, and then repented minutes before we entered the ceremony.  

This song and dance act became so exhausting, and I was brainstorming different psychological approaches to take with him.  In all honesty, it crossed my mind more than once that he was acting like a brat, and I should just give my love and attention to other kids who would appreciate it more.  Thankfully, God’s grace shined through to show me that I couldn’t give up on him as other adults in his life before had done.

Recently Joshua has made a lot of improvement.  We’ve been on a good relationship streak now for about two months now.  This isn’t a happy ending/miracle story because he still struggles.  I guess the difference is now that he seems to be trying a little harder, and I have grown in my love for him.  He’s smart, sweet and quick-tempered, and the heartfelt greeting that I receive from him every day fills my heart.  He’s been through so much in his little life.  Joshua told me of abuse that he experienced at the hands of a family member, and I just found out last week that he was a witness to the violent death of this same family member.  

About every other day, he asks me how many days are left until I leave, and my heart breaks a little bit.  We talk about how I’m his Godmother for forever, and nothing can ever change that.  I know that a different past could have influenced Joshua to be a different person, and I know that a loving family could reduce some of his heartache.  But no matter how much I love him and want more for him, I can’t change the past, and I can’t provide for him more than Amigos is able to give him.  All I can do is love him for today and tomorrow and for the next two months and through the “ugly gringa” tantrums until I hug him with all of my might and say not adios, but hasta luego because I pray that this boy will always be a part of my life.

July 23, 2014

I will be coming home this year, but my return date has changed.  It was August 12th, but I will now be staying until December 9th.  Four months is not a significant amount of time, but it was a difficult decision to make after already being away for a year.  I am happy with my decision though.  I feel like my work here is not yet finished.  And though it’s going to be very difficult to say goodbye to my family here in December, I am looking forward to being happily reunited with my family and friends in the States before Christmas.

School continues to occupy the majority of my time and energy.  My students give me gray hairs, but dang it, I  love ‘em.  I currently have twelve students with an age range of 11-14 and a grade range of 1-6.  It’s definitely an interesting mix.  Seven of my twelve students will be graduating in December from 6th grade, thus the change in my return date.  I will be teaching them until graduation, and it’s quite an accomplishment to graduate from sixth grade so we will make a pretty big deal out of it.  Next January, my students will have their first taste of independence.  They will attend school off the grounds of Amigos in colegio or high school.

As of now, I teach English, math and science every day to my crew.  English is difficult.  It’s hard when you’re an awkward pre-teen or teenager to risk sounding stupid in another language just because some random gringa wants you to learn it.  They love music so I’m constantly looking for ways to expand vocabulary through songs. You know those songs you love to hate like JB’s “Baby” and Rebecca Black’s “Friday?”  These types of songs are perfect for ESL learners because their lyrics are so simplistic.  “Yesterday was Thursday, Today is Friday, Tomorrow will be Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards, I don’t want this weekend to end!”

I also encourage/bribe/death stare them into singing.  Sometimes I look around at these adolescents singing and doing the motions for “The Sticky Moose” or “My God is So Great,” and I laugh on the inside.  They are so very reluctant to try out English that I almost never make fun of them, even though they don’t extend the same courtesy to me and my Spanish.  Go figure- we’re still working on the concept of empathy.

Most of my students have no shame when it comes to exercising a certain bodily function during school.  There are times when we stop class to turn on the fan and wait for the return of our ability to focus/breath.  I strategized for a long time about the best way to handle this situation, but I finally realized it was a losing battle.  My students are more or less like siblings, and they have no shame in front of each other or me for that matter.

Anyhow, with consideration of the whole journey of the past school year in mind and all of its ups and downs, it just didn’t feel right to abandon the venture 4 months before the end…. and so here I am, searching for the energy to develop one more lesson plan and locate American pop songs suitable for ESL kids.   

This part of the blog post is dedicated as a class yearbook of sorts.  I think all kids are extremely entertaining, but I hope I can give you a glimpse of the personalities that make up our bilingual class.

Charlie

Classroom Identity: Smarty Pants

Charlie is on the right

Charlie is newly back from a week-long stint in agro.  He’s young and acts young.  He’s terrible, but sweet talks all of the teachers, including me and I love him.  He’s great at English and so naturally intelligent that it’s a little scary.  He once ate one of our science experiments.  It was an investigation of mold growth on sandwich bread and cheese.  Yum.

Daniel

Nickname: Bear

I’m not sure if Daniel’s nickname is due to his personality or physical resemblance to a bear.  He is of the quieter type, and he’s a bit of a loner and so I worry for him.  His talents set him apart from the other students as he is artistic and sensitive.  He refuses to talk about his family.

Susana

Nickname: Cat

Susana is beautiful.  Everybody knows it, but  she is not just getting by on her looks.  She is a great student.  She went to a bilingual school when she was younger so she is fluent in English.  Susana’s mom visited her this past year and told her that she must study hard in school as she (her mom) did not have that opportunity.  Susana is one of of seventeen children.

Jackson

Classroom Identity: The Jock

Jackson is a natural leader.  He is one of the tallest and most intelligent students in the class.  When he decides something is worth his time to learn, he conquers it with little effort.  I think that I finally earned his respect when we made sugar crystals for his science experiment.

Denia

Nickname: Sweet

Denia is younger than most of the kids and two grade levels behind.  She’s struggled academically a bit this year, but she has kept her chin up.  I don’t know if I’ve ever known such a determined or independent kid.  She is Jackson’s younger sister, and they watch out for each other.

Erin

Life Aspiration: Professional Soccer Player

Erin is called “nino” on the soccer field due to his small stature, but he is a really great player.  He just dances with the soccer ball.  In school, he enjoys provoking me by playing dumb.  I’m on to his game, though, and I’ve stopped letting it affect me. He gets along well with his younger brother Oscar.

Oscar

Preferred Activity: Eating tortillas

Oscar reminds me of Winne the Pooh.  He has a little pot belly.  He’s a happy little guy, but doesn’t enjoy things that require a lot of effort.  When he doesn’t understand the math concept, he starts guessing with a big grin on his face.  It’s all I can do to keep my composure and keep myself from telling him that guessing and being cute isn’t going to solve the math problem.

Robert

Nickname: Martian

Robert is a little crazy.  I catch him with his finger up his nose at least once a day.  He gets intensely angry in a matter of seconds, but is very affectionate the rest of the time.  I feel like I have a bit of a special bond with him.  We spent three Saturday mornings together so that he could learn how to ride a bike.  He can do it now!  

Donovan

Classroom Identity: The Gentle Giant

Donovan is one of the biggest kids in the class, but is definitely the most soft spoken.  He rarely talks disrespectfully to anyone, except when he’s frustrated during math class.  His slow smile is simply beautiful and he is just so sweet.  Every once in a while he surprises me though.  See antidote below.

Maldo

Classroom Identity: The Quick Wit

Maldo is also recently back from a week-long stint in agro.  He looks like a little old man and is hilarious.  His English is great, and he is forever cracking me up with new phrases… but it was really not funny when he and Donovan kept saying the f-word over and over during English class.  They lost some privileges that day, but we haven’t had problems since.  

Michael

Life Aspiration: President of Honduras

Michael is one of my favorites.  He is very idealistic and is almost always respectful.  I think he just acts out in school everyone once in a while to keep up a bit of a reputation.  He’s smart and works hard when he isn’t being a mopey teenager.  I wouldn’t say that the Honduran presidency is beyond his reach.

George
Classroom Identity: Class Clown/Wild Card

George looks tough.  I was intimidated of him until I got to know him as the lovable goofball that he is.  Arriving at Amigos with a 1st grade level of education and 14 years of age, he’s had his struggles and frustrations in the classroom this year, but he’s making progress.  George once asked the school psychologist if girls pass gas because “well, he’s never heard it before.”



And that's it... that's the bunch! You can blame them for my extended absence. They're pretty special. We actually only have 2 more days of normal school until all of them begin working at different apprenticeships for a month. We'll hit the books again at the end of August. Though I won't miss the daily grind of lesson planning and grading, I will miss their company and the quality time spent together slaving over dividing fractions.

June 3, 2014

Volunteer Musings

It’s community night, which means free time away from the kids from 4:00 until bedtime.  Rain is pounding on the tin roof of the house.  Thunders rumbles in the distance.  It’s too loud to talk unless you enjoy yelling in somebody’s ear.  Water drips in a puddle on the floor where the roof is not quite up to snuff, but you can’t see the puddle because the house is dark, lit only by the gentle light of laptops and flashlights.  I look around and wonder at the adjustments and progress (?) my fellow volunteers and I have made.  Two of our ladies are using this time to the greatest advantage and are working out in the darkness of the living room/kitchen.  Another volunteer just finished trying out a new braid in another’s hair, and another one reads.  It’s obvious that I’m blogging while getting dive-bombed by insects attracted to the light of my laptop.  Don’t worry about us.  We do have “real” entertainment.  We were going to watch our community show of Arrested Development via Netflix, but then the power and internet went out as the rain started coming down.  This is at least the fourth time in three days that we’ve lost power.  It’s okay though because we have time to kill.  We’re waiting for the running water to be turned on so we can do the dinner dishes.  We have running water three times a day, hit or miss.  During these intervals of running water, we rush to do the dishes and to fill up drinking, bathing, and washing vessels.  And so, as water comes down in sheets of rain all around us, we sit (or exercise) and wait for water to come out of the tap.

Update: The water didn’t come on until late last night, and the electricity never did return.  We washed the dishes by the light of headlamps and with pila water, water from our outdoor laundry basin.

May 19, 2014

Wow!  It's May.  It's hard to believe.  The days are long, but the months and weeks are short.  Last week, we celebrated mother's day here in the hogar.  All of the women were celebrated as mother figures for Mother's Day.  We were treated like queens with a day at the pool, manicures, a fancy dinner, and a fiesta of course.  The cards and hugs from the kids were heart-warming and heart-breaking at the same time.

A Blanket Story

When I was in middle school, my cousin Madeline (shout out to Miss Madeline who is now a 1st grade teacher) made me one of those tie-fleece blankets.  It was a beautiful blanket of double-layered lime green, blue, and yellow fleece.  I loved it.  For years, I pulled it out of storage every winter, curled up in my bed, and thought of my cousin.  I speak in past tense because sadly the beautiful blanket met its end last night.

Three days ago began the season of winter here in Honduras.  It is also called the rainy season.  The rainy season occurs twice a year.  It brings a respite from the heat, lots of rain (duh), and a certain type of insect that clings to everything.  I was so excited when the the temperature dropped by twenty degrees (90 to 70), but I was quickly brought back to reality when I asked a Honduran how long winter lasts.  Her response: 15 days.  Yes, winter lasts an entire 15 days, and then we'll be back to the heat that we know all too well. :)

Anyhow, winter makes for beautiful days and cooler nights.  Blankets are necessary at night and so I have been using Madeline's blanket.  Last night, however, I had ¨turno,¨ which means I slept in the room with the kids.  I arrived at turno with my pillow and blanket.  It was a little chaotic, which is pretty normal in a room of twenty boys between the ages of 6-12.  All of the padrinos (workers directly in charge of the children) tried to settle the boys as much as possible, said goodnight and left.  

Suddenly, one of the littlest guys, Josecito, was at my side crying because he was cold.  He was sleeping in only a t-shirt and had no blanket.  We looked through his belongings for a blanket, but couldn't find one.  I tried to find more clothing for him, but failed again.  Josecito has a chronic bed-wetting problem, and it could have been that his bedding was being washed.  I don't really know.  After twenty minutes of searching for options, he was getting pretty upset because he was exhausted in addition to being cold.  I realized what I had to do.  I knew that I couldn't sleep with a double-layered fleece blanket while a child slept in the same cold room without any covers.  

I started to separate the layers of my beautiful blanket, untying the knots that Madeline had tied together ten years ago.  And yet another character enters this story: Jose, not to be confused with Josecito.  Jose is a new kid.  He has been here for three whole days.  Jose saw me untying the knots and plopped down on my bed to help me.  We worked together for about forty minutes to untie all those knots, (you sure tied those knots well, Madeline).  Our fingers were aching, but we persisted.  During the untying, Jose and I struck up a conversation.  He told me that he liked the hogar of Amigos ¨a little bit." The part that he didn't like was that his mom wasn't here.  He said he almost cried yesterday because he missed her so much, and then he asked so earnestly, ¨But she can come, right?  She can come visit me here?¨  I assured him that this was definitely possible.  In my head, I silently added "but she probably won't.¨  Wow, have I become so jaded?  When we finished untying the blanket, Jose gave me a hug and said, ¨Buenas Noches tia/ Good night aunt.¨  Before coming to Amigos, Jose was at the state-run home where all of the adults are called tio or tia (uncle or aunt).  Knowing that Jose was at the state-run home before Amigos further lowered the probability of a visit from his mother in my mind.  All of our kids are here for a reason.  I don't know Jose's background or his mother's story.  I can only hope that she will visit him one day.  In the meantime, we'll do our best to love him unconditionally and to help him learn and grow in a happy and safe place.  

And now, Josecito has half of my blanket and Jose has half of my heart.  I think that I want to give Jose the other half of my blanket when I leave Amigos (I actually do need to keep it for a while longer to keep myself warm at night- I'm not that saintly yet ;)).  There are so many different ways to look at this small incident in the course of so many other similar incidents.  You never know how far the small good that you do for somebody will travel.  I'm sure Madeline never imagined when she made the blanket for me that it would one day warm a small boy without parents in a foreign country.  Likewise, I never imagined that I would have the opportunity to be an ¨aunt" to a little boy missing his mom.

Please keep our little guys in your prayers.  It's not easy for them.

March 6, 2014

It’s been so long since I updated my blog.  The kids are still amazing, but I haven’t felt inspired to write because my life has become somewhat normal after six months.  I have to keep reminding myself to look for the extraordinary that exists in all of the simple events of a day.  Just like life in the United States, God is here and working in and through it all.  A couple weeks ago, all of the Honduran workers had a training while the kids were at school.  There was an emergency poopy pants call in the preschool classroom.  I volunteered to do the duty because I was in a planning period.  As I walked with the little tyke back to his room, I marveled at the flexibility and richness of my life here.  What’s a school day without a diaper change in the middle of a planning period?

The hot thing here lately is bracelet-making- strings, beads, rubber bands, etc.  The other volunteers and I have the materials so the kids are constantly making dates with us to make bracelets.  I have a waiting list of about 12 kids.  Though the constant questioning of whose turn it is wears on me sometimes, it’s fun and good one-on-one time.  Speech therapy is going well too.  My most needful “client” is a little girl who almost nobody can understand.  We’re working on crucial words like baño (bathroom).  She mastered that one.  When she sees me from across the hogar, she likes to yell out, “Miss Emma!  BAÑO!”

Like I said, life has become kind of normal, and sometimes I forget the pasts of our kids until something happens or something is said that reminds me of the reality of their situations.  During one of my bracelet dates with a little guy, he casually told me that he didn’t like beer.  His dad had poured beer down his little throat while he was sleeping, but he thought it was nasty and bitter.  How can people do these things?  

This past Sunday was Visitor’s Day at Amigos.  Family, friends, past teachers, and past caregivers arrived to spend the day with the kids.  It was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.  I watched families greet each other with genuine love, hugs, and tears.  I watched other kids mope all around all day if their families were not able to come due to distance, death, abuse, or other factors.  The day was organized so that all of the kids would have “special visitors,” but some of the older kids definitely understood the difference between visitors and family.  When the day ended, the families left.  They left.  They left their kids again.  It could be due to economic reasons or difficult family situations.  Who am I to judge?  There are valid reasons to give up a child, but it doesn’t change the pain, the hurt, the abandonment.  I overheard conversations later amongst the younger boys along the lines of, “My dad is going to come back for me, and I’m never coming back here.”  The truth is no matter how good life is here, it can never replace a loving family.

Later at Mass the same day, the reading was from Isaiah (how fitting), and since then these words have been reverberating through my head…

My favorite part of Visitor’s Day was Delilah.*  Delilah is my student and a very resilient 11-year-old girl who is showing a lot of promise with English.  Though she has two siblings here, Delilah’s family from outside wasn’t able to come on Visitor’s Day.  The kids without visitors were given a small amount of cash to buy food items.  Delilah bought herself a 3-liter soda, cups, several packets of peanuts, and chewing gum.  She called her sister, another volunteer, and me over from across the field and set up a little picnic in the back of one of the pick-up trucks.  She said that she wanted to share her food with her “family.”  We sat together and indulged in the little snacks until they were gone.  It was such a privilege for me to share this time with her and to witness her generosity.

“Can a woman forget her nursing child

And have no compassion on the son of her womb?

Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.

“Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;

Your walls are continually before Me.

Isaiah 49:15-16

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

*Name changed for privacy

Belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!  This blog post is over due!  It's been sitting as a draft for two weeks, and I've finally decided to post it.  

The holidays were definitely a unique experience for me this year.  Christmas was fun, but very busy. Christmas festivities began a week before Christmas Eve with Posada.  Posada is a tradition of going to a house or building to sing a song of Mary and Joseph asking for shelter.  The song goes back and forth between people inside the building and those without until finally all are welcomed in to eat a snack.  We did this every night for a week with different groups hosting.  It was fun.  On the 23rd of December, some people stayed up until 5 in the morning to make tamales for the 24th.  Yours truly did not help with this.  I fizzled out at midnight after helping organize presents and stockings (paper bags full of candy).  Christmas in Honduras is celebrated on December 24th with tamales in the morning, presents of new clothes, and a fiesta with dancing until midnight.  It was a long day, but it was fun.  The kids were SO excited about their new clothes.  Look how cute/handsome they looked!

Nothing out of the ordinary happened here on the 25th.  It was a little sad for me and the other volunteers.  Our gringo hearts were longing for our families, cold weather, fires in fire places, Christmas food, etc.  We got through the homesickness attack though just in time to celebrate the New Year.  On the 30th, some people again stayed up until 5 in the morning to make tamales.  I helped until 2 this time.  Making tamales is a very meticulous process… I had no idea.  Gathering leaves, cutting the leaves, drying the leaves, washing the leaves, making the dough, boiling the dough, cutting up/cooking/preparing the chicken and other fillings, putting the dough in the leaves, putting in the filling, folding the leaves, boiling, and finally: tamales.  I’m not sure if the finished product is worth the effort in my opinion, but I respect that they’re an important tradition in Honduras and that they’re essential to the holidays here.  The New Year’s Eve celebration began with the tamale breakfast and eneded with a fiesta until 1:00 AM… lots of dancing these days!  

The festivities wrapped up on January 6th, Three Kings Day, which is the day when the kids got “fun” presents, i.e. not clothes.  This was a really cool day and probably my favorite celebration.  It began with a special dinner and then a prayer service.  During the prayer service, the kids chose a “gift” such as love or friendship to present to baby Jesus.  Then we all headed out to climb the steep hill leading up to the white cross.  The path was illuminated with torches and at the the top of the hill, we encountered a live manger scene, which included the Holy Family and the three kings.  The 4-year-old little guy in my arms gasped, “Que bonito/how beautiful!”  The three kings called the kids up one-by-one to present their written gifts and receive their gifts.  There were baby dolls, barbies, remote control cars, dinosaurs, soccer shoes, backpacks, and marbles just to name a few things.  The preschoolers were my favorite to watch.  They were a little confused by the three strange men in king costumes, but the magic was in their eyes just like the magic of little ones who receive gifts from Santa.

And now… I’m back in the States, the land of hot showers, liquid handsoap, and cold temperatures! I’ve been here for just about two weeks, and it has been so good to see my family and friends.  Though it's really tough to say goodbye again, I feel refreshed and prepared to return to the Amigos family in Honduras.